Genetic Genealogy Leads to Discoveries and Connections | Stephanie Renée
Episode 73, Stories in Our Roots

Heather Murphy: Hi Stephanie. Thanks for joining me on my podcast today.

Stephanie Renee: Thank you for having me, Heather.

Heather Murphy: Could you start by just telling us a little bit about yourself?

Stephanie Renee: Well, let's see. I have I guess grown into being my family historian out of a genuine interest in learning what I didn't know. My mom passed away when I was 11. And it's not until you start growing into adulthood that you realize when you've lost a parent that early, all the things that you wish you would've asked when you had the opportunity to that you couldn't. And so, you know, I grew up thinking of both my mother and my father as only children, which was also a really big deal because you don't get a chance to get that firsthand knowledge from aunts and uncles of how your parents were when they were little kids.

So that's sort of what began this journey for me, and I realized after one of my great aunts passed that until we were cleaning out her house, I had never seen a picture of the woman that I knew to be my grandmother, my maternal grandmother, which I, you know, it's again, those things that strike you as odd in a moment. And so when I was talking to the family about that, they were like, really? I said, well, you know, she passed away before I was born and her mother passed away before I was born. So this sense of disconnectedness to my maternal line is what began the journey for me. And then DNA testing told me that who I thought was my family was not my family on that side.

And so that has grown into this, you know, jumping in with both feet to piece together the family that I never knew I had, and to also the family that helped raise me to help them learn more facts, like legitimate facts about the lives of these people that you think you know, until you really start doing the research and then a lot of other things become very apparent.

Heather Murphy: Yeah. Can you talk a little bit more about how it was to go, for like that realization you talked about of realizing that you didn't know your family. How does that look? Because I don't know what that looks like 'cause I haven't ever experienced that.

Stephanie Renee: Oh man. So there's so many things that go into, like, I, I don't wanna characterize my stepmother as the evil stepmother, but she and I really didn't get along. You know, my dad got remarried after my mom passed. And then you start thinking about the people that raise you, these relationships that you have versus that natural bond that you have with the person who gave birth to you.

Like what it would've been like to be able to have these conversations with my mother. And so, the kind of quest of piecing together those facts was what originally made me start building the family tree. And that led me to DNA testing. And so, you know, I tested with 23andMe first, and that was fairly unremarkable.

You I don't think I had any matches initially that were above third cousin. But I knew that some other family had DNA tested and I didn't see them, and I thought that was really weird. And I was like, okay, well maybe that was just a glitch with the test. Let me go ahead and test with Ancestry.

And so I tested with Ancestry and then all of a sudden I had these huge close matches with surnames that I didn't know. And I was like, okay, there is something here that is very not right. And so I started reaching out to some of those matches and asking questions, and I realized that it had to be my maternal side because there were paternal side matches that I did recognize.

And that really led me down the path of coming to understand that my mother had been adopted. So this was a whole new territory for me in, A, knowing that my mother was raised by a different family than her birth family. And I discovered that I had a half uncle. So, you know, now, in addition to just knowing there are these people out there, I have close relatives, that was really eye-opening for me.

And so beginning the pathway of building some connections to these folks and seeing pictures and all of the things that now tie you to people and tie you to a lineage.

Heather Murphy: How was that reaching out to those DNA matches and making connections when you, you didn't at that point know what the connection was?

Stephanie Renee: So the, you know, I'm very eager. I can be a bit much for people. I, I understand that sometimes. And the original folks that I reached out to were around second cousin range, and so they were sort of curious themselves. It was sort of a, Hmm, we have no idea how you're related to us. You know, kind of tell us about what you know.

And I, you know, I started down a path and they were all like, well, we don't know exactly where you might come in the picture, but if your connection is around the area where you think it is there are a lot of us. Because it turns out that my mother's birth mother was one of at least 16, rumored to be one of 23. And so I was like, oh, well, that's telling.

And so then, you know, I fell down the rabbit hole of trying to understand genetic genealogy, so what those centimorgans mean and how that works. And that made me reach out to people with some more definitive questions. And try to really understand the full depth of it. And some of those people were very welcoming and I'm very grateful for them.

Some people were not so because my mother's existence, kind of verified some rumors, some whispers that had been happening in the family about how she came to be. And so that was tough. Having a phone call with a cousin who said basically if you hear that I might have harmed myself because of some of these things that you're saying or whatever, know that you caused it.

I mean, you know, that's, that's awful. And so that was, that was the only, I think that was the worst. I had another cousin, more distant cousin reach out on 23andMe and say, some of my ancestors endowed Howard University and owned some slaves. So that's probably where this might come in. Really?

Oh, okay. Yeah, not exactly how it worked, you know, especially I, I laugh because, you know, one of my, one of my great grandfathers was a professor at Howard, so I'm like, the implication that you're trying to say about how all of this works is, is not the reality for me. So, you know, some people mean, but mostly it's been really interesting and people who are curious themselves, which I appreciate.

Heather Murphy: Because you get a mix with those DNA matches people who are just curious for themselves of their ethnic ethnicity, and then those people who are actually interested in putting together the puzzle of their families.

Stephanie Renee: Right. Yeah. And that, and for me, honestly, that's been the greatest motivation because I have encountered a lot of cousins who were adopted. And so they don't know the first place to go to try and get answers. And because I've been kind of walking this path now solidly for the last eight years, I have a lot of answers and I try to warn people ahead of time that I can get you to a certain point, but there are things that I don't have the wherewithal to ask.

And if you have access to living people that you can ask some hard questions. That's what's gonna get you the rest of the way to where you wanna go. And so that's been, that's been rewarding to at least be able to point people in the direction and say, I know we're connected and I know we're connected through this branch of my family and now you've gotta figure out where that crosses with what you know.

Heather Murphy: What have been some of the benefits that you've experienced as you've researched your family trees?

Stephanie Renee: Well, you know, one of the things that I think is amazing is that I always thought that I looked like my family. And, and I do, but man, do I look like my mother's birth family! I saw, you know, a, a picture of my mom's birth mother and was like, that's my face. I knew I looked like my mother, but no, I look like my grandmother.

She looks like her grandmother. And somehow it all merges together in our faces. But that's been pretty wonderful. And then also understanding that families are complicated and so having a chance to meet some of my cousins, know, not just talk to them on the phone, but actually meet them and spend time with them, the idea that we have come to about, we don't have any control over what happened with generations before us, but the fact is that we're family and we should act like family, treat each other that way, has been very refreshing and really, really wonderful. And now, you know, like I said in the beginning, thinking that I grew up as the kid of two only children. And now knowing that I have hundreds if not thousands, literally, of cousins, that's great. Like I, I have the big family now that I never even imagined I could possibly have.

Heather Murphy: And how has that changed things for you? I mean, it certainly sounds quite broadening in your scope of connection.

Stephanie Renee: Yeah. Well, you know, I thought my family, and it still is true for the most part, that we were generations deep being from DC. I was born and raised in DC so that to me was my foundation. That was my root. But to now have a clearer understanding of rural Virginia and the notion of what that means, both in my family history, but also in our nation's history about this very mixed community of people in this tiny area.

not far from Monticello. We already know what all of the, that history, indicates. But that there were free and enslaved people living side by side in this farming community with white folks. And, and it was a community, quite literally, it was fraught with the same kind of stuff that we're dealing with in our nation now.

But this is where my people are from and the fact that it connects me now to the birth of this nation is something that I feel I have ownership of, and that I really want to explore and be able to lay out so that nobody else has to start this research from scratch anymore. That we can look at this family tree and look at at what I'm building and, and be able to read it and understand how we're all connected.

Heather Murphy: I read several of your pieces that you've written for Medium, and one quote that I pulled out of there was "I represent American history." So that was using your family history and seeing how that fit in the larger American context. Another one was that your family story is part of the Black Experience. Can you talk a little bit more about stories that you've had within your family tree that connected to you to that larger Black Experience and American history?

Stephanie Renee: We're in a time in our nation where there are states that are very forward in trying to create a streamlined, heavily redacted version of what America's history is. And I think it's incredibly important for us to understand the levels and nuance of what people's journeys have been in this country.

My third great-grandmother was charted. Virginia's a very interesting place, I should say. Like meticulous record keeping, which has made this journey even more eye-opening for me, but also giving me a very personal connection to things that I just was not aware of in studying history in school.

And one of them was the charted migration of people of color across the state. That if you were not enslaved, if you were fortunate enough to be born into a free person of color family, you still had to register as you moved about the state. Because the government wanted to restrict the access that the enslaved had to people who were not enslaved.

And so to see in Amherst County, Virginia my third great-grandmother, her husband and his entire family registering as they moved into this place. So they were noted as being free since before 1804, but still in 1840, having to note when they moved to this part of the state, because there were still so many enslaved people there.

And so the big story about that is, well, why were they free? Then why choose to move to this area where there was going to be that sense of contention in everything that they did, how they were, how closely they were gonna be monitored. to me is, is fascinating. And it's still, that's the real part of the story that I'm trying to piece together.

Heather Murphy: Yeah, I had another guest on recently and she's working on documenting the people that her ancestors enslaved and going down their tree the other way for, like you mentioned, to document the lives of real people and put it out there into the world so that no matter what the history books are saying, You can meet someone who has a personal story of their ancestors, that you can't refute the history about what happened when there's somebody standing there in front of you that has the stories in a direct line back to that, I think that's one of the most powerful things about family history, especially right now, is it makes it very, very personal and very real.

Stephanie Renee: Absolutely. And you know, I mean, I was not necessarily a history buff when I was in school because the way that history was taught was very date and geography specific, not personal in any way. it wasn't until I got to high school, shout out to James Brown, my US History teacher in 11th grade who made it fun.

And so the same way that I fell in love with Schoolhouse Rock, with music and dates and all the things that brought it to life, his class made history feel that way to me. And you know, I guess that was the first real spark that made me look deeper into history. I had the blessing of doing a musical theater show, that was based on an Ursula Le Gwen short story that was all really, it was all about math. If I had been taught math the way that this show sang about math, clearly I would've loved calculus. But you know, and I just think the only way that our country is ever going to engage in the real stories about our beginnings to where we are now is about, I. Not running from our truths, but embracing them and making this history personal so that we feel some accountability for how things have gone and how they will continue to go unless we collectively decide that we want different outcomes.

Heather Murphy: And like you said earlier, we're not responsible for what our ancestors did, but we are responsible for what we choose to do moving forward.

Stephanie Renee: And I think I read earlier this week that when it comes down to the human family, we are all, every living being on this planet is somewhere between first and 55th cousin to one another, which, you know, I can't imagine. But it's just, it's just the truth of how things work. Right. But DNA testing, I think is a great equalizer for so many people because they're on the cellular level.

You understand that what you're seeing is giving you a story, and hopefully more people will be brave enough to follow that information and find out the stories behind how they came to be for real, not just the folklore that the elders will tell you, which is usually the cleaned up, condensed version, but a comprehensive history of how you came to be and the the tragedy and beauty of it. So that you know, we can really appreciate our walk on this earth.

Heather Murphy: That's something I believe fully. There's so much information available to us to learn why we and our families are the way that we are. If we choose to go and look for those stories and look past the names and the dates, but say, okay, what story is this information telling me? Where were they in history? How did a sibling's life affect the other sibling's life? And it can bring us closer together in the here and now, and not only being actually physically related to so many more people, but enlarging our understanding of different people's experiences that we may not have experienced ourself. But if we learn about our ancestors experience, then that gives us just a little bit more that we can relate to somebody else.

Stephanie Renee: Absolutely I a hundred percent.

Heather Murphy: How has your journey evolved since you started over these last eight years?

Stephanie Renee: You just mentioned siblings and I think that is really where I've gained a much larger appreciation and understanding about how I there is a, a certain level of connectedness regardless of where you are geographically, that is realized through relationships of siblings. In looking at how my family has moved around the country or not, um, a lot of that is evidenced in the siblings.

Like very few people in my family ever branched out by themselves, like as a lone wolf on any level. If they moved, they moved collectively. People that have passed before I was born, even seeing this notion of a, oh, well, you know, they were independent to a point, but if they decided to go to a new city, there must have been a conversation, a serious conversation that happened among siblings to go, this is the place of opportunity, not I, but we should go here to try and get whatever this bounty is whatever this thing is that we're looking for, we should go do that. And, and to me that's powerful. I am appreciating the deep roots that I have in DC but also these other cities that I now want to go visit and, and learn more about my family's history there. It is not just one person, it's a group of people that have decided to take up residency in this space and stay there and root themselves there for lots of different reasons.

Heather Murphy: That's interesting because in my history in most of the people I've talked to, people generally, unless they're immigrating countries, generally they leave by themselves. So that's interesting, in your family, they stick together and they're going to help each other as they look for new opportunities.

Stephanie Renee: Yeah. It's definitely being clustered and, I think that's interesting though about immigrant families. That I understand in terms of just friends and families and what I've learned about them coming. There might be a lone person who comes and sort of establishes a home base, but usually it's with the intention of now when you are ready to come, you have a place to come.

You have a place to stay, and someone who has started to navigate that space. To tell you where you can go to find employment and how to navigate these services that you'll need in order to be successful here. I definitely found in Asian families and Latino families, that is a very kind of common way of operating. And so it just looks like my family took full advantage of that, you know, from, from the mid 1800s forward.

Heather Murphy: Yeah, and that's definitely a contrast to today within the United States, you move and your families are so disconnected 'cause so many of them are just scattered everywhere.

Stephanie Renee: Yeah. I understand the impetus for wanting to test the waters and make sure that you can, you can take care of yourself, that you can rise to the challenge of being in a new space and learning those places and learning how to survive in those things.

But the idea of multiple generations being in one home or one block and being able to go get the wisdom from a great-grandmother. And after school you're coming home to your grandmother who's preparing a meal. And, those kinds of things that were very commonplace at say the top of the 20th century are not what we have come to understand as a norm here in, in the 21st century. And I think we lose something in that process.

Heather Murphy: That was just kind of a side tangent, but made me think how much things have really changed with our connection to family, and even if we can't be close to our families now, through family history and learning more about us, that can kind of fill part of that that might be missing.

Stephanie Renee: Yeah, I never got a chance to meet my mother's birth mother, and I'm sad about that. You know, I have her face. So it would've been great to do that. But I definitely feel like I have a sense of who she was because I've been able to meet my Uncle Paul, and I've been able to talk to his youngest son, who is my only first cousin.

So that's, it's really exciting to me, who have embraced me and they share stories. They share reminiscences that I would not have had because of how I grew up. But it gives me that sense of connectedness that I certainly wouldn't have had otherwise. It's more than just dates on a paper or the occasional photo. This is now sort of like a living, breathing history that I'm able to put together from my research, but also from those personal stories that they've shared.

Heather Murphy: You've gained so much from doing this work for yourself that now you're starting to look to how you can help other people to do the same thing that you've had, to have that similar experience. Can you tell me about the different ways that you're working on doing that?

Stephanie Renee: Sure. Well, the one thing that I understand from a lot of my friends who reached out to me after they knew that I DNA tested and was really working to build my family tree was they were like, how do you deal with the data? They just can't, they got overwhelmed by information and were like, I don't even know where to go next.

So I started, uh, and it's been kind of starts and stops, but I started doing a video series called Blood at the Roots, where I could just, I talk people through looking at the information and beginning to understand it, to just help people get away from the fear of what it means to really start using the information and analyzing it for what it means for their personal journey.

And that led me to say, well, I could write a book and people have said, yo, you need to write a book and talk about all that you've learned for your own family. But I was like, this to me is not words on paper as much as it is visual. I'm a storyteller more than anything, and I just felt like the most effective way for me to share this information would be to tell it through film. So I have embarked upon the process of doing a web series called The DNA Journey. So borrowing from the publication that I created on Medium and now taking it to the visual realm where I'm going to visit these ancestral places with a camera and small crew and talk to family and talk about both my family's history in these spaces, but the history of these places as well.

And hopefully, you know, my real aim is to light the spark in the people who have not yet gone down this path. But if you're putting together a family tree, this is the way that you make it real for yourself and for anyone else who is going to take up the mantle either after you pass on or just to help you with the vastness of what it is that you're trying to discover. I.

Heather Murphy: That is great, and I will have a link to that in the show notes so people can support you if they'd like to, like you said, it's not just for your family, it's getting people that spark. And that's kind of the theme for this podcast, is getting people to see the benefits of knowing their family. And it becomes so much real.

Stephanie Renee: I can tell you, as somebody who's now basically working on this project full time, it is exhausting it. It takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of time, and I don't wanna soft shoe that, you know. Everyone is not going to have the wherewithal to dive into this research by themselves with both feet, but you can take small steps to piece together what you know, what you can find out versus what you've been told.

And you know, one of the biggest lessons, you asked me this before and, and I should say this, one of the biggest lessons that I've learned is that, bless our ancestors, they lied. A lot of them lied, flat out lied, and you just have to accept that before you start this so that it doesn't constantly shake your core as you're learning information. I just think, our ancestors were real people with real lives, and they didn't necessarily want to give you the unedited version when you were young.

And maybe even into your adulthood, they didn't necessarily want you to know them that intimately. Well, once you start researching these documents and you start going down the rabbit hole, you're gonna find out some things that lead you to understand that they were human. And they might have cleaned that up for you so that you would not understand how human they were. so you just have to prepare yourself for that. But to me that's part of the greatness of this, is to understand the full humanity of these ancestors that you're descended from.

Heather Murphy: And my hope is that when people see that humanity in people that they're related to, that they can be more compassionate, empathetic, and the people that are around them everywhere.

Stephanie Renee: Yes, Absolutely. We all don't come from highly successful business people and captains of industry and, leaders of the faith community and all these other things that we hold in such high regard. Everybody can't be that. Some people led very ordinary lives and that's still fascinating. It's still fascinating 'cause it all led to you. Why wouldn't you be interested in understanding the miracle of your existence?

Heather Murphy: Well, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and thoughts about your family history journey and how you are seeking out to help others now.

Stephanie Renee: Well, thank you for inviting me and I hope if anyone please take advantage of this podcast and all the information that Heather's putting together for you so that you are walking into this experience with your eyes wide open. I. And hopefully it's really giving you a thirst for being able to personalize your own journey.

And so I just appreciate the fact that you've created this vehicle to share these stories with people and to spread the gospel of how family history is such a crucial part of what we should all have in our tool belts.