Emily Aborn  | Building a Family Tree in Reverse

Stories in Our Roots  0:03 
Welcome to the Stories in Our Roots podcast. I'm your host, Heather Murphy. In this podcast, we dive deep into how knowing the stories of our ancestors can make a difference in our lives today, discovering our family history is more than a hobby. It is a way to connect deeply with ourselves, those we love, and the world around us.

Heather Murphy  0:25 
Welcome to the podcast. My name is Heather Murphy, thank you so much for joining us today. Today's interview is with Emily Aborn and we talk about her journey as she was able to discover the identity of her birth father. Now this interview is much different than many of the other interviews. And towards the end, I asked Emily a question. And her answer kind of surprised me. But it really got me to thinking about why we research our family history. Whether we are looking for a second great grandparent, or a birth parent, we research our family history to better understand ourselves where we come from. For Emily, her experience researching those trees wasn't to get farther back as many of us do. It was actually to come forward in time and identify someone that was only one generation removed from her. In our conversations after actual interview. Emily mentioned how burned out she became during this process these months of collecting these names and dates and information to get to the point where she actually found her end goal of what she wanted. And I also thought it was interesting that she was interested in her family history. Actually those names going backward as far back as the story's meant of her grandparents. Here's the interview with Emily Aborn.

Heather Murphy  1:54 
Thank you, Emily, for joining me today. It is great to have you here and actually talk to you sort of in person.

Emily Aborn  2:02 
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited.

Heather Murphy  2:05 
Could you start by just giving an introduction of yourself?

Emily Aborn  2:09 
Sure. So my name is Emily, Aborn and I live in New Hampshire. And I am a marketing professional. And I'm also the owner of a woman's entrepreneurship organization called she built this, which is a community of women offering resources and support and inspiration to one another as we go through the ups and downs of building our businesses.

Heather Murphy  2:30 
And that is a great group. That's how I met Emily and I never would have met her had she not had to change her approach and put one of her events online.

Emily Aborn  2:41 
That's awesome.

Heather Murphy  2:42 
So today, we're here to talk about your unique experience in learning about your family. And your experience is completely different than anybody else that I have interviewed up to this point. Could you tell us kind of how it is that you wanted to find out more about where you come from.

Emily Aborn  3:02 
So when I was probably nine or 10 years old, I had watched my parents wedding video, like a million times. And I was confused one day as to why I was in the wedding video. And I had like my I must have been talking to one of my friends about it. And she was like, that doesn't make any sense. That's not like the kids aren't in their parents weddings. And so I asked my mom like why I was in the video because I was four in it. And she told me that my father who I thought was my father for nine or 10 years actually had adopted me. And so I think from that moment on, like it kind of like set this little fire inside me that I need to figure out who my real father is. I always thought like looking at myself, my skin is much more like olive than the rest of her. It's darker than everybody else's in my family. And I just have like a different look than people in my family. So I think I innately thought I was like some sort of like amazing, like exotic ethnicity. So I was like really passionate about finding this person. But it really started at that age. And my search didn't begin actively until I was like 21 years old.

Heather Murphy  4:11 
How did that feel? Like did it matter to you as you're like a teenager growing up? Like how did that exhibit as part of your life?

Emily Aborn  4:20 
Yeah, so I think it initially put kind of a divide between me and my adopted father, like I felt like we were different from one another, you know, like this was the line in the sand that made us really different and I know now looking back like that's not really how family works families, also people that you choose and that choose you but that in my mind separated me from everybody else in my family. And so for me there was really an internal like disconnect as to who I felt like I was on the inside and who I felt like I was on the outside so like there was just like i the only way I can really adequately describe It is that my head and my body felt like they were completely disconnected from one another. Like, I just never could feel good in my own skin, if that makes sense. Because every time I would look in the mirror there was like this missing half of me like I knew half of it, but I didn't know the whole entire story. And that was just like, I mean, that's just like a physical thing, like looking at yourself. But there was a lot of emotional stuff where I, I really worried about like, whether or not my biological father was a good person. And was this habit that I had because of him? Or was this trait that I had because of him? So there was a lot of stuff like that, where I'm like, where did this thing come from? Like, Is this because of this person? And is he awful because I did this awful thing, or whatever it was, you know what I mean?

Heather Murphy  5:42 
You had recommended to me like a month or two ago to read Dani Shapiro's book, Inheritance. And that just put a completely different perspective in my brain of like, because part of me thinks, well, it doesn't really matter, because it's just biological. But from what you're saying and what she wrote in your book, even though it's biological it, it still matters.

Emily Aborn  6:05 
Yeah, I think, you know, I struggle with the nature nurture where I'm like, okay, it is nature, it is nurture. But I really truly like I think, after all of this research, and after going through it all, I really feel like it's either 60-40 as in like 60, nature and 40 nurture, or maybe even more skewed to the nature, just because I see so many things now that I've met my biological father, that there is no way that we could have had such similar traits, like there's just no way we could have had these similar traits, not even knowing each other, you know what I mean? And then they're in my family that I have no, like the nurture piece that I'm like, I don't feel that at all. So I yeah, Dani Shapiro. I mean, she got really, really lucky because she got like, amazing outcome. And I think it really, really helped her, but she had to go through some difficult stuff in that process.

Heather Murphy  7:01 
So you said you were about 21 when you decided to start digging into that, how did that process start for you, or at that point?

Emily Aborn  7:10 
So my mom had given me a name of somebody that she worked with, and I decided I was going to find that person. So I literally like at that time there, the yellow pages were still around. So I just went through the Yellow Pages. And I looked in the area, I was born for the person of that name. And I wrote a list of phone numbers, and I would call them and you know, I didn't say anything, when I would call them I would just like, call them and they would answer and I would hang up. But then once I started to, like use Facebook, I would look for people that it would say in the listing was related to them on Facebook. So yes, it was like stalking people. And I did end up finding to two of his daughters, like of the actual name that my mother had given me. So I found two of his daughters. And I started with them. And they said, you know, we've been expecting you for a long time. And we're going to connect you to our father. So and I talked to him on the phone. And he's like, I have been anticipating some that you would come around. So I met him. My grandmother took me to meet him. And we took a paternity test. And I like waited and waited and waited. I was like this is it. Like there's no way it's not, you know, and I got the test back in my email. And I remember it said, like, 0.001% chance. And so instantly, I'm like, No, that can't be right. And I was like, What are the chances? Like, what are the possible chances? You know, I'm like looking up paternity test chances and stuff. And it said no, like, there's no chance that this person is a paternal match. That was when I was about, like 21-22 years old. And when I was in my late or my early 30s, my husband actually got me at 23andme test for Christmas. And I was thinking like, Okay, this is it. Like, this is where it's gonna come back with like that I'm Hawaiian or like something amazing. And it was so basic, it said French, English, Irish, like that was just it. It was it. And I was like, okay, where do I even start with this? Because my mom's family is also just French, English and Irish. I actually had a fourth cousin match on 23andme. Her name is Philippa. And she really helped me because she was on my mother's side of things. Like she basically taught me how to do the family tree work and work my way backwards. I had my aunt take the test to help weed out the matches on my mother's side. So we could then see okay, she's related to me on my mother's side, because she's related to this person in 23andme. But all my other matches on 23andme were like third cousins or further, except on my mom's side then I had like all these, like, on people. So Phil taught me basically what I had to do was take my first This cousins like the third and fourth cousins, ask them who their great great great grandparents were. And then I built their family trees backwards. And I would just keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it until I had enough information where some of them would start to intersect. And then once you get an intersection, you can say, Okay, now who did these grandparents have as kids, and then you can work your way backwards. And so I think we ended up with getting like, three or four prospects. And I started looking them up on Facebook, and I was like, Oh, dear, please No, like, please do not let that person but I, you know, then I think I don't remember exactly how this part happened. But Philippa woke up one night and had like this revelation, she's like, No, we messed up on something like we had one of your mother's people in his because French Canadian ancestry is tough. It is so hard, because like everybody is the same last name. And then everybody is like everyone's cousin and brother and sister. And it's just a lot. So she woke up and she had like this hit. And then I think that next day, we got a second cousin match. Oh, I forgot to mention, I took an ancestry test, a 23andme test, I bought my onto test. And I bought one other person a test. So I had spent like, $700 on this plus, I'm like spending money on the Ancestry every month, you know. So I finally got a second cousin in ancestry. That person, we were like, Okay, this is, this is the one we need to follow backwards. And then it brought me to two end matches, which I will get to in a minute. On those matches, were ironically, identical twins. And I don't know if I told you that part. No. Um, so with identical twins, the problem is they have the exact same DNA. And even if you take a paternity test, it will come back 100% for both, so that was kind of like where I got stuck. And that's when I contacted their sister on Facebook again.

Heather Murphy  12:08 
So how long did it take you to build out all of these trees and everything?

Emily Aborn  12:13 
So my husband got me the test in December, and we did not figure out who it was until May of that next year. So it took a long time, I was literally dreaming in like Ancestry.com and later is like no joke. I mean, now I dream in like puzzles that I'm working on, you know, but I would be dreaming every single night of like those pieces fitting together.

Stories in Our Roots  12:38 
This podcast is brought to you by my signature service and one on one, program, Resilience in your Roots. Do you find yourself overwhelmed with stressors and responsibilities of life, increasing your resilience, that ability to get back up when life knocks you down, helps you live your best life, resilience and your roots will help you in four areas to increase your resilience, self awareness and self care, purpose and goals, connections and relationships, perspective and optimism all as you learn how to research your family tree and absorb the lessons that are contained in the stories in your family. If this sounds like the perfect program for you jump on a call with me at heathermurphygenealogy.com/nextstepcall.

Heather Murphy  13:23 
Okay, so you've put together all these different trees, you got your second cousin match. And that led you to these two people that were the possibility of your being your father.

Emily Aborn  13:34 
Yeah, I mean, at that point, I was almost I was more sure than Philippa was, I think of them. Because I had looked up their sister and seen pictures of them. And I was like, Oh, my God, like, their kids looked like me. You know, if there was just for me, there wasn't really a question. This sister was really hard. Like, I tried to get her to take a test. And she's not really like, I think what they thought was that I wanted money. You know, like I'm, I'm like, a kid that is looking for her biological dad and wants money. And I think Dani Shapiro actually went through that same thing, where he's like, no, don't disrupt my family. I'm not giving you money. And so you have to really reassure them that like, that's not what you're interested in, you know. So she sister never actually ended up taking the test. But one of the brothers was especially like, he was really good about helping me and just wanted me to get things sorted out. And so I sent him a picture of when I was a little kid. And if I think they were all like sitting at Thanksgiving, and they saw the picture and they're like, you got to give this girl the time of day. You know, like you mocked her because she looks like us. Ironically, his last name is hunt and I'd call it like the hunt. So the hunt for him. So we we just talked on the phone a couple of times and then I did meet them in person. Unlike all of them over lunch in, in main dirt, I think his his paternity tested or not paternity sorry, he had he had taken a 23andme test and it came back that it was a match. But still with identical twins, you don't know, the problem was that nobody could remember because they were like, at a party or something like that, you know? Um, which is TMI, I know. But I said, Why don't you just take a drive through this neighborhood, like, where I know, my mom lived. And I know, she would have spent a lot of her time. And you took a drive through the neighborhood. And he's like, I remember I remember everything. And so that's how it really like, boiled down.

Heather Murphy  15:40 
So what is your emotional journey as you're putting together all these trees and getting closer and closer to finding what you're looking for?

Emily Aborn  15:50 
I think it was frustrating. And I was asking myself, like, really why I was doing this. But it was such It was like a not just a mystery that I needed to solve. But I also just needed my head to like, be on my body. Like I needed answers for myself, you know, and I think once I found it, it gave me almost like more confidence. Like, I was like, Okay, now I know that I have good roots on both sides. Like I really feel proud of where I come from. And that made all the difference for me, rather than just having like, this nebulous thing out there. And I didn't really know where I came from. And I don't say that to say that somebody that doesn't know their background can't be confident it just from that's what it was for me at that time.

Heather Murphy  16:37 
So you were able to meet them. What was that like?

Emily Aborn  16:41 
It was terrifying. I think I've only been that nervous, like on my first day with my husband. But I was really, really nervous. I was like listening. I remember the day, I drove from my, I owned a retail store at the time, and I drove from there to meet him for he's a pilot. And so he stays in this area a lot. And so I met him after a work day for a glass of wine. And I just was like, super, super nervous the whole way there. And I was like listening to Cat Stevens like trying to calm him down. And then once I like, it was like the instant I met him. I was like, Okay, this, like he made some wisecrack, you know, and it was like, before we even met, I felt like we just like had known each other forever. It was very weird.

Heather Murphy  17:26 
How has it been since you figured that out?

Emily Aborn  17:30 
So we do definitely stay in touch. Like, I think we have a very good rapport with one another. I'll tell you another thing. And this is something I had to work through kind of for myself, too. So when I first connected with him, his wife, she was a little bit uncomfortable. And she didn't she didn't like thinking about her husband's past who does you know, and and I don't like that either. And so I would try to really ironically, her name is also Emily. But I tried to put myself in her shoes and like really say to myself, okay, if my husband Jason came home with this news, like what would my response be? And I think I would have a hard time with like, thinking back about other relationships that he's been in, but at the same time, like I really would want to open up my heart and connect with that person, because it's a piece of him. And so I think, I guess that's my advice for other people, if this ever happens to you, is to keep an open mind about who the person is on the other side, because it's not, you know, it's not 34 years ago, it's today, it's the present, it's a totally different situation. And we've all made mistakes and done silly things. And I think the other thing like emotionally is sometimes I do let it bother me that I am the product of like a quote unquote, one nightstand like sometimes that's very, like, hard to wrap your mind around, you're like, well, I wasn't even picked, I was just kind of like plopped here, you know. But then I really think it through and I'm like my mom, she had a lot of options at that time. She was very, very young. And she chose to go through and have a baby. Like, my mom always made the choice to have me. And my stepdad always made the choice that he wanted me to be his daughter. So like a lot of people have chosen me and I can actually look at it in the reverse. Yeah, so so we do stay in touch. It's it's kind of not. I mean, I don't think we're ever going to be like BFFs but that's, that is built up over a long history. And that's what I meant at the beginning when I said your family it's really also someone you choose. It's not just somebody that you're biologically connected to.

Heather Murphy  19:35 
Have you reached researched out his ancestry was You did all yours to find him. Have you looked into his?

Emily Aborn  19:43 
Yeah, so I mean, just by way of building those trees backwards, I really found like we've got Russian and German buried in there, which is exciting. Nothing like I said nothing like Hawaiian something like Polynesian or Something but um, yeah, it's pretty normal, I would say as far as an American goes, but it was still it was again, I was like really, really obsessed in into it. And then once that sort of stopped, like, I know, I could teach somebody to do that process for themselves, but would I am I super, super interested in my own now that I know now that I have the answers, not as much.

Heather Murphy  20:24 
Okay, so more so the researching your family was a means to an end. But getting to know those ancestors isn't as important to you.

Emily Aborn  20:34 
I would say I love like I loved what I went through with my grandparents and hearing like, when I was digging into all of this, they told me a lot of great stories that I loved hearing. But that was a that was about as far back with the actual real stories that I got to go.

Heather Murphy  20:51 
So if you were to go back and tell yourself at the beginning of this process, some advice what would you tell yourself?

Emily Aborn  21:00 
To keep going and not give up. And also not let it define you. You know, like, no matter what the answer was, at the end, it still doesn't define who I am as a person it is your it is definitely your roots we But back to our nature, nurture conversation, we all get the decision, we all get the decision to nurture ourselves and decide like, who we want to be, you know, and I think that's part of the title of resilience in our roots, like we find resilience because of connecting to them. But we can also find resilience by rising above and making our own decisions if those roots are not lovely.

Heather Murphy  21:40 
Well, thank you very much for talking with me and sharing your story of how you came to understand yourself a bit better by understanding where you come from.

Emily Aborn  21:50 
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.

Stories in Our Roots  21:53 
Thank you for joining me today for Stories in Our Roots. Please help this podcast grow by subscribing, leaving a review and sharing it with your friends. If you have feedback or would like to recommend someone to share their story, head to storiesinourroots.com and fill out the form. Thanks again for listening and I look forward to being with you again next week.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai