Lisa Zawrotny | Choosing Family and How to Respond When It Changes

Lisa Zawrotny | Choosing Family and How to Respond When It Changes

Heather Murphy: Hi, Lisa. Thanks for joining me today. I'm looking forward to talking with you. Could do start by introducing yourself please?

Lisa Zawrotny: Yes. Thank you, Heather. I am delighted to be here with you. And as I've mentioned before, It's a really amazing thing to be reflecting on this part of my life. And I so appreciate you inviting me to do so. Hi everyone. I'm Lisa Zawrotney. I am the founder of Positively Productive Systems, the host of the Positively Living podcast and a productivity and organizing coach certified in time and stress management. I use simplicity self-awareness and systems to help multi-passionate creatives boost their productivity. Balanced business and family and avoid burnout. And I'm excited that I got to use some extra self-awareness on me with regard to this topic.

Heather Murphy: Great. Well, to start things off you were adopted. Can you tell us what the conversation and in, within your family was like, as you were growing up around.

Lisa Zawrotny: I actually thought my family did such a beautiful job with it and that my parents incorporated it into. Sort of the conversation into the narrative from the very beginning, they would use it as like a, an adjective in a way. And they would say that I was their adopted daughter and they didn't use it in a way that was.

You know, you don't belong. It was quite the opposite. It was very much like you belonged, you were chosen. We, we wanted you and we're so excited to have you. And eventually I was like, what's adopted, like, what does that mean? So they were able to explain, okay, you are ours. You're part of our family. We have chosen you. We are together. But we don't share the same bloodline. And so I thought it was a really smooth way that they did that. There was never a time when it was like, and you see in the movies, like it was sudden shock or whatever it was part of, uh, you know, growing up, understanding that I didn't come from their dNA, but I was definitely.

Heather Murphy: And do you have any other siblings?

Lisa Zawrotny: Uh, I grew up with like, it's So funny my whole life. And one of the things I reflected on when we were talking today was, you know, what does family mean to you? And what's your sense of family growing up? And my sense of family was that family is choice is what you make of it. And family is like, you want to be part of my family, come on, let's join in.

So my dad had a daughter from a previous marriage, but I didn't grow up with her, but she was part of my family. And. Older we connected. And then once I learned about my birth family, I also found out that I have, or, um, some half siblings. So, so yes and no, it's always complicated to answer that question. It's a mix.

Heather Murphy: Yeah. So what was your family identity growing up? Like what were things that were important to your family and that you would say characterized.

Lisa Zawrotny: So the characteristics of, of the family that I grew up in, uh, the Donagen clan, uh, were, you know, to be tough and loyal and hardworking And look out for each other. And my mom and dad were both entrepreneurial. So I grew up in a family business and they taught me that. And as I mentioned to you, they also taught me that I belonged that I was, I was chosen.

And so a big part of our, I think our family characteristic was you bring in people who need. Uh, home. And they did that a lot. My parents were actually foster parents in the foster care system, uh, for, for quite some time. And then they continued to bring in people like, uh, I had like kids in the house who weren't even necessarily foster children, but sometimes needed a temporary home.

So I always said I was an only child, but not really because I had a mix and it was really beautiful. They taught me that you just care for the people that need to be cared for. So. Big part of who we were.

Heather Murphy: And what was your involvement? How much did you see extended family? What was there part of your life?

Lisa Zawrotny: That was pretty strong. Now my mom came from Germany, so we couldn't see them regularly, but we were in touch with them. There were a lot of letters going back and forth. They would travel. She would travel when I was little, I got to travel with her once and then when I was older, so that was limited. But again, they created family. Uh, it was almost this, uh, extended family. That we actually have now with my husband and I, we have really, really good friends who feel like family and now their aunts and uncles to my kids. And so that's a big part of what we had on my mom's side. On my dad's side, he had siblings, uh, quite a few siblings. And so we were able to see them from time to time. And I think for special holidays and things like that. Always a point to get a lot of people around the table. Always it always involved food that was pretty consistent and just really being together. So we did the best we Could based on geographic, but, but there was definitely connection.

Heather Murphy: Could you tell me a story about one of your, like an uncle or a grandparent or somebody that you felt a connection?

Lisa Zawrotny: Actually the first thing that comes to my mind also touches back to this idea of the characteristics of family and how, how we create family and can make it. That's what I grew up with that understanding. And it has to do with my grandparents who technically weren't my grandparents. They were my great aunt and uncle, and they were the ones who at the time.

When someone would immigrate from, you know, a different country, you would have sponsors in America. And so Margaret and Michael were my mom's sponsors for her to come over to the U S and so she lived with them to start until she could make her way. And once my parents were ready to adopt me, they asked them to. My grandparents officially and I called them OMI and grandpa. So one German name, one, one English, which it was another thing about us. You know, we had a big cultural mix. You know, my dad was second generation Irish. My mom was, uh, right from Germany. And, uh, and so that was a big part of our family as well.

And so Margaret and Michael, I had such a special connection to them. I only had time with. Michael, uh, my grandpa until I was 11, but he, he brought such joy to me because we would visit them every summer. It was on long island and it was, you know, a magical place to be because it was a beautiful home, but this man had like a train set, like you wouldn't believe.

And he was a photographer. And my grandmother would cook. I mean, so, you know, if you've ever had Bavarian cooking, know what I'm talking about, it's a, it's a really amazing thing. Not necessarily for the waistline, but really, truly enjoyable. And they were, yeah, hospitality was a big part of what they were about. They love to have dinner parties and gatherings and things like that. And so I just remember going to visit. Each summer and I continue to do so after my grandfather passed. And then it was with my grandmother, cooking with her, playing with the neighborhood children and, and just, uh, I don't know, basking in, in that, that time that we could connect together and have special lunches together.

And I would always get, uh, get to go shopping with her. And, and it was just every summer, something that we could rely on that. I guess a special getaway, especially when you're young, right. Having that kind of, you know, it was a distance to go to, to visit them. And it was like a different world. So, it was, it was really beautiful. And that's, that's the memory that I think of as being able to visit with them every summer and the, and the time that we got to be with them.

Heather Murphy: So, when did you decide that you wanted to know more about your birth family?

Lisa Zawrotny: I think this is something that was in me for a very long time, but here's the challenge when I was growing up, I felt like I belonged. Right. I didn't have a question about that, but I did feel a sense of loss or unanswered questions kind of underlying like a thread through my life. I wasn't part of their bloodline. And I was actually even frustrated because I looked so much like my parents I'm like, are you sure I'm adopted? Like, it just doesn't make sense. Like they would, nobody would look at me and look at them and even ask the question. It was, it was a surprise to most people, still a surprise to many people.

And what I had questions, I had so many questions. However, because there was such a strong sense of you are you're part of us now, right? They never wanted to answer questions. I don't even think that they actually knew many questions. I was a 1970 New York state adoption. And those are locked tighter than Fort Knox.

I mean, I will never see my, my birth certificate in ever. Uh, my real, like my original one. So anyhow, I had questions over time, but I was felt like I couldn't ask them. So. I knew that it would probably be at a time later in my life and both my parents have passed away and I was curious, but I guess I had let it go because I thought, what are, what are the odds that I could even do this right. When there's nothing to go on. I know where I was born, what hospital I was born in and that's it.

And then so much was happening. With ancestry.com and being able to, you know, at least find out my ethnicity, you know, I'd, I'd been curious if I could find out from a medical standpoint, what would it be like?

I kind of went back and forth and finally, my husband actually gave me the kit as a gift to be like, can we at least find out if you know, you're as Irish as you think you. Spoiler alert. I'm actually not.

So I decided to go for it to at least find out the ethnicity and I checked off all the boxes. I'm like, sure. If you find people or connect me with people or whatever, just go for it. I've got literally nothing to lose at this point. And so I thought, well, let me at least see what will happen. And, uh, and what I find out in terms of ethnicity and. I got more than I bargained for. I wasn't looking for my biological family at the time, but once Ancestry gave me the information, it's like, you have a hit that's like sort of second cousin related turns out it was my great uncle. On my dad's side. And, uh, my husband took this information like, like it was, I mean, it was gold, it was gold. And he was like, we can do something with this. We can figure out, you know, who the prime suspect, so to speak might be, uh, and, and match it up. We can do this and I give him so much credit. I am so grateful to him.

And so grateful to be able to tell the story about him, that he wanted this. I'm actually tearing up and he spent so many nights, late nights looking through scouring through census data and other, uh, family trees on ancestry and, uh, obituaries and articles. And you name it, trying to piece together. The the people, the players, if you will, uh, that belonged in my biological family and, and he did it. Do you want me to tell you more?

Heather Murphy: I'd love to hear it.

Lisa Zawrotny: Okay. He put together all of these players right down until he finally found what turned out to be my maternal grandparents and connected them finally collected them to my, where I was born. It was very confusing because most of that family was from Missouri and he's like, I'm trying to get a place in New York here in the Adirondacks and I'm, I'm missing it. And finally found an obituary that connected them. And then. Uh, one of the sticking points on Ancestry is that when you have people who are alive or only recently deceased, you're not going to see their names.

Right. So you just see, oh, there's, you know, man, woman, whatever. And That's it. And you're like, so there's people there, but we don't know who they are. And then he ended up finding another family tree. Uh, where someone had written a book about the family tree, that we were going to try to go to the New York public library to find.

And then in the meantime, he manages to get a message to someone in Ancestry whose parents wrote the book and he's able to give us the names and I go to good old Facebook and type in the names. And I find a post on Facebook from my biological aunt on my mother's side saying that she's been searching for me.

And I have just, I mean, I get chills just talking about it Now And then I kept researching and I was able to, I located her and then I also unfortunately located the obituary of my birth mother, but I saw her face and it was the most powerful moment of my life aside from, you know, finding my husband and having my children because I, for the first time ever saw. My face, looking back at me, it was just so striking. And from there, I was able to connect with my aunt and I continued to connect and find, um, people on my paternal side as well, but I was a surprise to them

Heather Murphy: Um,

Lisa Zawrotny: I kept connecting with the family, but that is how it came about. I wasn't trying to find my biological family, but it was truly a gift from my husband.

Heather Murphy: That's beautiful. Now you mentioned that growing up, you had so many questions. Were you able to get some of those answered other than just who your birth parents?

Lisa Zawrotny: Yes. Uh, there's still lots of questions. But I was able to learn a bit about their medical history, which was really important to me from a practical standpoint. And I think even more importantly, I was able to learn about their personalities and not only my birth parents, but my grandparents and, and, uh, ancestors beyond that, where they came from really interesting kind of facts to me, it's probably even more important.

For the more immediate family, because I knew So, little it's one thing if you grow up and you're like, well, I know about my parents and my grandparents, but I'd like to know, you know, uh, ancestors beyond for me, I'm like, I will literally take any piece of information you tell me. And it's been powerful because I learned that my birth mother was uh, library and she worked in a library. She loved cats. She loves singing. She was a Potter. She was creative. Her mother was an award-winning painter. And I now have paintings and pottery from both of them.

I have a degree in library science, by the way. I love cats. I love to sing. It's like the, the commonalities are, are uncanny. 'cause I had like no connection to them. Uh, and on my dad's side, he was a chef and I love to cook and there's this, and now these could be coincidence as I guess, but it's, it's a fun kind of connection to see what their, their personalities were like, what drove them, what interested them? Uh, there's a connection beyond on my mother's side that goes back to, I think his name was, john Ferdinand Roget and he, his business partner at one time was Autobon who, who was the naturalist who wrote all the bird books. I mean, it's just really striking and interesting things, but to me, actually, it's all interesting.

Heather Murphy: So, what is it like now for you to have these two family trees, these two pieces of you together?

Lisa Zawrotny: feels the first word that comes to my mind is, is very satisfying. But I think, I mean that in a way that's rather peaceful. Like, it makes sense. I love to reverse engineer things, you know, figure out like, well, why is, why do we do what we do? I mean, that's what I do as a coach. It's always what I've done as a person. I'm always a questioner. And I, I realize that overall, I come from. Kind creative people, entrepreneurs a totally makes sense, you know, meeting them, some of them that I could meet and learning about others that I couldn't meet. It confirmed so many reasons behind what I, I guess I already know about myself

Lisa Zawrotny: and it it's. the the phrase, ancestral clarity that came to my mind. And I thought you might appreciate that because it's an interesting concept to say that I, I know where I come from with more assurity. Now, I think it's so important that we embrace who we are and where we're going, but knowing where you came from. First of all from a familial standpoint, I now Have an extended support group and even more solid feeling of belonging. I am so impressed with my father's side because they had no idea about me. I was a big surprise and they embraced me. Like you're part of our clan, if you will. Uh, which is fitting because I found out I'm 54% Scottish.

And then on my mother's side, you know, just the, the love that has been expressed to me most, especially through my. You know, even for a few years of my life, it's very profound it's. And then knowing that there's a way to trace further back to be able to look at this map and, and see these areas in like the, the UK and, uh, you know, a touch of France and, and kind of on the cusp of Germany and be like, my DNA is from there. There's sort of a universal belonging as well.

Heather Murphy: Have there been difficult moments of putting those two things together? Like what are, what's the hard part of it all?

Lisa Zawrotny: Well, for starters, one of the hard parts is it's a very sensitive part of that aspect of how I came to be and how, Um, I was. Given up, you know what I mean? And that was something that was, I think, a part of me for a long time, wondering why It makes sense. And I've always believed that I was placed where I was meant to be. I was placed in an, with people and, and in an environment of love that made me blossom. So I will always be grateful for that. But, you know, having those questions answered was not easy. It's not easy to come from a background where, you know, not everything is. Peachy, you know what I mean? Not everything is wonderful.

Uh, you know, there's a reason why my, my father's family didn't know about me. You know what I mean? And so that was hard to reconcile kind of this idea of, well, you know, it's this idea that happens, I think with a lot of children where I was a mistake, you know, that kind of feeling so reconciling those emotions, that was definitely a challenge.

Uh, I would say, uh, to that there's an identity kind of issue almost in that I was born and raised with. And nurtured with a certain sense of pride around, you know, being in this family where Ireland was important and Bavaria in Germany, that was important, you know, and my ancestry actually does not fit that.

It means this is very minor. Mind you, but it's kind of one of those shifts where you have to go, oh wait. Okay. Um, let's step back here and it, it just shifts you a little bit. Uh it's. You lock into things and it's such a life lesson, isn't it. You lock into things and you believe in them, or you're taught to believe in them. And then you have this almost a paradigm shift in a way. And I feel like my, my ethnicity at least, uh, is, is like a metaphor for, for that. There's, there's something in there where I'm like, I gotta rethink what I. What I believed about myself and what I knew. So I guess that's the same answer in a way, but for different reasons, I think that's, that's the biggest thing, um, was, was kind of like reconciling who I am now and how it helps me to understand, but that it also doesn't change who I am. Did that make sense? I don't know if that made

Heather Murphy: It does make

Lisa Zawrotny: does it

Heather Murphy: Yeah. . So for somebody else. I mean, cause I've heard that before where people are like, Hey, this is who I thought I was and now I'm not that person.

Lisa Zawrotny: Yeah.

Heather Murphy: So what is something that you did to kind of help reconcile that or to, to be okay with that shift and be able to settle into it?

Lisa Zawrotny: Oh, that's such a good question. I think a big part of it is the reflection of saying. Just like, if you learn something new, right. And you learn new information in any aspect of your life and you say, okay, Now I know this now what I do with this, I thought back to, well, this is what I grew up with. I can't remember if it's Maya Angelou.

Uh there's and I'm, I'm going to paraphrase because I don't know the actual quote, but it's this idea of, you know, you, you do the best with what, you know, and then when you know, better or, you know, differently, you do better or differently. And I think I took that to heart and saying, okay, this is what I know now about me.

It doesn't negate what I went through or what I live. And more importantly, what I did before, even if it's, it was with the wrong assumptions where there were the wrong information or different information or whatever got me to this place where I am. So I can celebrate that for what it is, and now take the new information and say, okay, what can I do with that?

If. Maybe it's set it to the side and say, okay, duly noted, keep moving. Or maybe it's oh, I can research this where changed something up. But I think it was I'm sitting with it and coming to an acceptance and especially the parts that made me a little, a little shaken. Like, what does that mean?

 In a way. It doesn't mean anything if I don't want it to, because who I am is how I show up in this life. Right. It's not necessarily where I came from or, uh, if I was planned or not, or, you know what I mean? Any of that, that's part of my story, but it doesn't define me in terms of who and how I want.

Heather Murphy: I think that's really important. Not for somebody who's adopted for anybody. Anytime you research your family history and you learn about another ancestor, you have to make that choice. I'm going to make part of me or something that I'm going to think defines me. We get to choose. And I think that's something that everybody can, can keep in mind because some of the people are afraid to research their family history because they don't know what they're going to find. But like you said, we each have the power to take what we want from our ancestors and leave the rest of it.

Lisa Zawrotny: I love that. I mean, what's more powerful than choice, right. And, and I think with, with choice and with curiosity. I love mentioning curiosity because curiosity allows us to find out information while leaving the judgment out of it. Right? So I would say if you have a chance to do this, do it, but do it with an open heart and a curious heart.

And, you know, you can be richer for the information that you gather and understanding who came before you and also understanding their humanity as well. Right. I think it's such a good reminder for us, but. You have the choice. You don't have to let anything you find out good or bad or otherwise change who you are or the faith that you have in who you are.

Heather Murphy: Yeah,

so your family identity and the things that you've learned about your Irish roots, even removed just your parents or grandparents, but your Irish part of you, the German part of you, the birth part of you, how do you think that's contributed to the person that you are. The now you help people in the way that you do.

Lisa Zawrotny: I think that's so much of it. In part, what we just talked about, which is this idea of, of making a choice to be who you. are. And, And there's this element of, I kind of want to say like forgiveness, right. Or self forgiveness or forgiveness of, of our ancestors, if, if we feel the need, uh, acceptance. Right. And, and kind of being able to roll with it and say, because I'll tell you it was a really. Big moment for me to be like, okay, this is the story of how I came to be. And it's not a story that I, I mean, I'm, I'm not even giving you the details here and I don't think it's necessary for you to have the details for you to understand that it's just not a great story.

But it reminded me that it doesn't matter, you know, maybe how something or someone comes to be, it doesn't matter how you got something or what happened. It matters what you do with it. And to me, that's a huge life lesson and I was already going there as a coach, but it really drove home. I, I love to say that I like to walk my own talk.

And this was like, hardcore. Like, are you sure you want to walk your own talk because we got an opportunity here for you, Lisa and I did, and I, and I, I worked my way through it and all of the elements of it first, you know, being shocked and processing, I would say that is like one of the biggest life lessons for me.

The other parts about who I am. I think it's just sort of representative of how our world can shift on us and how we can get new information. And it's a reminder of that change that we deal with all the time and how our assumptions can be shaken. the we see it all the time with scientific research, right?

And even ancestry and their studies of DNA are constantly shifting. That alone reminds us that what we're working with is really what we're working with right now. And it's the best we can do. So I would say it's those big life lessons of things constantly changing and about the choices that we have that really feed into what I do as a coach to help others.

Heather Murphy: Well, thank you. And I will have links in the show notes. So everybody. Get in touch with you if they would like to. Thank

Lisa Zawrotny: Thank you.

Heather Murphy: Thank you so much for joining me and sharing your story today.

Lisa Zawrotny: Oh, thank you for having me. It's my pleasure.